All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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