Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
