Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
