I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
