I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Bring me that man meat
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
