The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
