my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
