I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
