Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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