The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
