Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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