I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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