There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
