There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
