and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
