i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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