I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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