Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
