Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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