Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
