Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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