Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
