i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
