You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
