i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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