Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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