He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
