I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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