i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
