It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
