apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
