So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
