Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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