the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
