She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
