I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Someone signed my nipple.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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