Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She bit a glass in half.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
