I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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