So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
