cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
as a side note pls kill me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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