so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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