Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
