The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
