nut hugger
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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