I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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