i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
