If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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