Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
