apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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