I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
