I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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